Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I Did A Poop...

Was what the small child announced to everyone upon reentering the theater halfway through the movie, or what George Lucas and Steven Spielberg said to each other after watching their final cut of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Unfortunately, it's both...

I can't even rationally explain just how bad this movie was. Growing up, I wanted to be Indiana Jones, I wanted to be that guy who taught history and went on all these adventures based around archeology. I remember going to the old Milton movie theater, that's now a coffee shop by the way, with my best friend and his dad to see The Temple of Doom and being scared sh*tless during the movie, but loving every second of it. A couple of weeks ago I rewatched all the Indiana Jones movies on cable, making it the perfect day for me.

So my question is this.. Why? Why George? Why Steven? Why did you have to go and ruin Indiana Jones? Its like George Lucas was saying.. "What you think Howard the Duck was bad? Well I can top that!"

I tolerated your new Star Wars movies George. I sat through all these of those things and thought to myself.. "Ok he's just getting caught up in all the new technology available and disregarding the dialog a bit.. that's ok, it's still Star Wars so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt." Well I was wrong. Those new movies are no where nearly as good as the original three. First he killed Star Wars, now he goes and kills Indiana Jones. I give him my money, and this is how he pays me back. If you can't tell, I'm taking this very personally.

The story line was atrocious. The dialog was deplorable. The action scenes were CGI'd to death and slow. Like everyone was so old in the movie, that when they ran from a dangerous situation, no one could actually run, they just all walked as quickly as they could. Sort of like when the buffet line opens up at the early bird special. I'm really at a loss for words. I just don't understand why after twenty years you would put out this piece of crap. It's not like you guys need the money or anything. You had twenty effing years to come up with something, and this is the best you could do! ***if you don't know the plot and don't want to know it, skip to the next paragraph*** What, did you and Spielberg get stoned one night hanging around ILM and said to yourselves..."hey what if we took Star Wars/Close Encounters of the Third Kind and combined it with Indiana Jones? Wouldn't that be sweet?!?!" NO! That wouldn't be sweet and it wasn't sweet! I really and truly feel like I was ripped off and we only spent $5.75 a piece on the movie. Technically the wife paid so it was free for me, but I still feel like I was robbed!

I wanted to like this movie so badly. We went in with little expectation, mostly because we didn't want to be disappointed. If you've read any critics reviews, many of them actually like the movie, which leads me to believe that they never actually watched it. Maybe they sent an intern and had them write it up. Heck the intern would only be 22-23 years old and really wouldn't know any better, wouldn't know just how good Indiana Jones movies are supposed to be. Maybe the intern thought that Indiana Jones was played by Brendan Frasier, so the movie was supposed to be hokey and bad. I really don't know. All I do know is that I'm a disappointed and angry blogger right now, and I'm taking it out on Mr. Lucas.

I'm putting this movie in the same category as Rocky V. It never happened. I'm just going to erase the past two hours from my memory and forget it ever happened. I was a much happier person before entering the theater at 5:30 this evening. I feel like a part of my childhood died today... maybe we can get Don McClean to write a song about it....

3 comments:

Mike said...

Very interesting review. Sounds like George managed to screw something else up.

Is Don McClean the Irish cousin of Mr. Clean?

Cleaty said...

That sucks. I was really looking forward to the movie. What did Sarah think?

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with Jase (and most of you know how hard that is for me to admit!!)....it was a disappointment, thrown together, lots of action but when the main characters spend a lot of time getting wet but always are completely dry the next scene....well, that tells you how sloppy things are in this movie. And the worst part was we spent $10 to see it!!! At least you got out cheaper, Jase!! Definitely a 'wait til it comes out on DVD' movie...sorry guys!!